I just want to be happy
Title says it all.
After 4 years of being in this place, and enduring an increasingly heavy workload (half of which I don't see the relevance of), I feel jaded and disillusioned. I don't even want to strive anymore, because striving means I get unhappy, and I get tired.
Like, why should I create teaching aids which can be easily gotten in the market? Why should I spend a few hours making a video which may never be played since LCDs are so hard to come by in real classrooms, and pupils can learn a song equally well if I just paste up some lyrics on mahjong paper? And WHY should I spend hours creating and compiling folios for auditors when that precious time can be spent doing other stuff?
Why do people in university get so much free time to themselves, while we have to ration our time carefully for the various activities that various departments demand of us, and inevitably end up exhausted because there are TOO many activities?
And why do I care about doing well? Can I just do slipshod work and get by? Sure I can, and I'll probably be less tired, but I'm not sure I'd be HAPPY that way. I'm starting to think that might be the only way to survive, though. To survive happily, that is.
I know my joy and strength is supposed to be derived from God, not outward circumstances. However, when I don't get enough sleep, and I'm stressed out about multiple deadlines, it's kind of hard not to feel weary. This is the life I will have to face for the next 1.5 years, and I really don't see it getting any easier. If any Tom Dick and Harry can be a teacher, I don't see why I have to be subject to this kind of torture just to get my degree and a posting.
I want to enjoy my education. I want to love learning. However, when it's all crammed into 4 months, I can't help but dread it and produce low quality work because many other things demand my time (and not always in the correct proportion. For example, Gerko last semester was only 1 credit, but we spent dozens of hours on it because we were dancing every night for a special performance on Sports Day, making us so worn out we couldn't do anything else or meet any other deadline).
Maybe I won't make a good teacher. Maybe I have to be passionate about Gerko and be able to create my own innovative teaching aids, or be able to sacrifice my sleep for paperwork that doesn't affect anyone, least of all my teaching, to be a good one. Maybe I have to be able to take everything in stride and be content with whatever redundant duties I'm saddled with.
My heart protests.
After 4 years of being in this place, and enduring an increasingly heavy workload (half of which I don't see the relevance of), I feel jaded and disillusioned. I don't even want to strive anymore, because striving means I get unhappy, and I get tired.
Like, why should I create teaching aids which can be easily gotten in the market? Why should I spend a few hours making a video which may never be played since LCDs are so hard to come by in real classrooms, and pupils can learn a song equally well if I just paste up some lyrics on mahjong paper? And WHY should I spend hours creating and compiling folios for auditors when that precious time can be spent doing other stuff?
Why do people in university get so much free time to themselves, while we have to ration our time carefully for the various activities that various departments demand of us, and inevitably end up exhausted because there are TOO many activities?
And why do I care about doing well? Can I just do slipshod work and get by? Sure I can, and I'll probably be less tired, but I'm not sure I'd be HAPPY that way. I'm starting to think that might be the only way to survive, though. To survive happily, that is.
I know my joy and strength is supposed to be derived from God, not outward circumstances. However, when I don't get enough sleep, and I'm stressed out about multiple deadlines, it's kind of hard not to feel weary. This is the life I will have to face for the next 1.5 years, and I really don't see it getting any easier. If any Tom Dick and Harry can be a teacher, I don't see why I have to be subject to this kind of torture just to get my degree and a posting.
I want to enjoy my education. I want to love learning. However, when it's all crammed into 4 months, I can't help but dread it and produce low quality work because many other things demand my time (and not always in the correct proportion. For example, Gerko last semester was only 1 credit, but we spent dozens of hours on it because we were dancing every night for a special performance on Sports Day, making us so worn out we couldn't do anything else or meet any other deadline).
Maybe I won't make a good teacher. Maybe I have to be passionate about Gerko and be able to create my own innovative teaching aids, or be able to sacrifice my sleep for paperwork that doesn't affect anyone, least of all my teaching, to be a good one. Maybe I have to be able to take everything in stride and be content with whatever redundant duties I'm saddled with.
My heart protests.
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