Is change possible?
I haven't written a serious post in a while, and that's mainly because most of my serious thoughts occur at inappropriate times or when I'm not in the mood to blog. The serious side of me is a very real one that exists, though, and it is time to show the world my dark(er) side. =P
One piece of relationship advice that I adhere to is to never expect my spouse to change. If you're marrying/dating someone to change them into a better person, good luck with that. I think women more than men are prone to 'fixing' their spouse like some home improvement project, and I am inclined to as well, I'll admit that. It's my default mode when I forget to remind myself that a)men want to be accepted the way they are, and b) I'm attracted to him because he complements me.
This line of thought has its pitfalls, though. It was the reason I thought we should break up when I realized he wasn't romantic the way I wanted him to be, or when I had a need that he simply didn't understand/share because he was male. I reasoned that if he couldn't be perfect for me, I should stop hoping that he would eventually change and maybe have better luck with some other guy.
Over the years, though, one thing I've realized is that I can change as well. Like about that romance thing? Instead of him changing, I changed. I discovered that even though I craved spontaneous, voluntary verbal affirmation from him for the first few years, I don't quite need it as much nowadays. And I'm not talking about mere repression of my own wants and needs - I know what that is, and trust me, I always try that first because I don't like to think of myself as demanding or needy. It usually doesn't work in the long term because repression only builds up to a point where it HAS to come out, and when it does, things escalate quickly. I know people say that marriage is a whole different ballgame no matter how long you dated, but in my case, I believe I learnt a lot about myself and effective conflict resolution simply because our courtship took 6.5 years. Things that seem to be deal-breakers are oftentimes not such a big deal in retrospect, and you only see that when you can look back and see how your relationship has changed over the years.
Another thing that I've realized is that people CAN and DO change. In fact, it was one of the things Pastor Wilfred highlighted during our pre-marital counselling sessions - that situations and people change in marriage, and that we should expect to deal with that. I myself have noticed that it IS possible to become more and more like each other in the way that we think and act, partly due to compromise and proximity. For instance, Jia Wern used to throw all his laundry into the laundry basket without properly turning his socks and shirt collars all the way through, which made them dry unevenly in the dryer. Gradually, after several reminders, he improved on the socks. He's also learnt to wash cups immediately after use so that they don't become greasy as a result of being left in the sink and mixing with other dishes with grease on them (I know, I can be anal about doing things the most efficient way). I don't nearly give him as much credit as he deserves. To be totally honest, the only reason I noticed that he had improved was because I was nagging him about not turning his collars up before putting them in the laundry, and he retorted that at least he turned his socks inside out properly now. #humbled
So, on one hand you have the adage that "People never change", and on the other, people DO change, whether for the better or for the worse. I think a nice way to balance those opposing philosophies is to live like you don't expect the other person to change, but to not be surprised when it happens. And also take solace from the fact that you will likely also change and mature along with the years, so seemingly unsolvable problems may have a resolution in time.
One piece of relationship advice that I adhere to is to never expect my spouse to change. If you're marrying/dating someone to change them into a better person, good luck with that. I think women more than men are prone to 'fixing' their spouse like some home improvement project, and I am inclined to as well, I'll admit that. It's my default mode when I forget to remind myself that a)men want to be accepted the way they are, and b) I'm attracted to him because he complements me.
This line of thought has its pitfalls, though. It was the reason I thought we should break up when I realized he wasn't romantic the way I wanted him to be, or when I had a need that he simply didn't understand/share because he was male. I reasoned that if he couldn't be perfect for me, I should stop hoping that he would eventually change and maybe have better luck with some other guy.
Over the years, though, one thing I've realized is that I can change as well. Like about that romance thing? Instead of him changing, I changed. I discovered that even though I craved spontaneous, voluntary verbal affirmation from him for the first few years, I don't quite need it as much nowadays. And I'm not talking about mere repression of my own wants and needs - I know what that is, and trust me, I always try that first because I don't like to think of myself as demanding or needy. It usually doesn't work in the long term because repression only builds up to a point where it HAS to come out, and when it does, things escalate quickly. I know people say that marriage is a whole different ballgame no matter how long you dated, but in my case, I believe I learnt a lot about myself and effective conflict resolution simply because our courtship took 6.5 years. Things that seem to be deal-breakers are oftentimes not such a big deal in retrospect, and you only see that when you can look back and see how your relationship has changed over the years.
Another thing that I've realized is that people CAN and DO change. In fact, it was one of the things Pastor Wilfred highlighted during our pre-marital counselling sessions - that situations and people change in marriage, and that we should expect to deal with that. I myself have noticed that it IS possible to become more and more like each other in the way that we think and act, partly due to compromise and proximity. For instance, Jia Wern used to throw all his laundry into the laundry basket without properly turning his socks and shirt collars all the way through, which made them dry unevenly in the dryer. Gradually, after several reminders, he improved on the socks. He's also learnt to wash cups immediately after use so that they don't become greasy as a result of being left in the sink and mixing with other dishes with grease on them (I know, I can be anal about doing things the most efficient way). I don't nearly give him as much credit as he deserves. To be totally honest, the only reason I noticed that he had improved was because I was nagging him about not turning his collars up before putting them in the laundry, and he retorted that at least he turned his socks inside out properly now. #humbled
So, on one hand you have the adage that "People never change", and on the other, people DO change, whether for the better or for the worse. I think a nice way to balance those opposing philosophies is to live like you don't expect the other person to change, but to not be surprised when it happens. And also take solace from the fact that you will likely also change and mature along with the years, so seemingly unsolvable problems may have a resolution in time.
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