Independence
In every marriage, there are responsibilities and expectations. Many a time, these are unconscious ideas that we get from observing our own parents and upbringing, and we don't think about them until we get married and realize that our spouse has very different ideas based on his/her own upbringing. To examine your own set of ideas about roles, you can ask yourself the following questions:
1. Who should take care of paying the bills and filing taxes?
2. Who takes care of car maintenance?
3. Who does most of the grocery shopping and/or budgeting?
4. Who's in charge of banking, investments or deciding on insurance policies?
5. How should household chores be divided? 20/80? 50/50? Should they even be divided?
6. Who should drive when both spouses are in the car?
If you have a somewhat traditional idea of marriage, the wife generally monopolizes the kitchen and home duties while the husband works longer hours at work to provide for the family (i.e. is the main breadwinner). In my own family, there was a clear delineation of roles. My mum was in charge of the kitchen and my dad took care of everything else from banking to car maintenance to insurance policies. With the exception of household chores, their roles were so specialized that my mum didn't really know much about banking procedures and my dad couldn't cook very well from lack of practice. On one hand, specialization is efficient; on the other, it meant that both were dependent on each other to cover all the bases.
So I had this idea that when I grew up, I would naturally assume the roles that my mother had. I don't like dealing with paperwork very much either, so I expected my husband to take care of all those tedious things. And luckily for me, he did. Prior to my arrival in the States, JW had had experience "adulting" on his own so he knew what to do and who to call for everything. I could sit back and relax while he spent hours reading up on insurance policies or figuring out how to file taxes jointly, all the while never uttering a single word of complaint. =P
In the recent year, though, I've come to realize that I'm equally good at dealing with this part of life. It all started when I began a filing system for JW's chaotic document drawer. When I sorted through the documents, I read some of the policies and realized that they weren't that hard to understand. I also realized that with my ample spare time, I could be an asset by reading up on how to get the best deals, comparing prices and being aware of what our current policies covered. With a little bit of asking around, my friends also proved to be a source of valuable insight and recommendations which always helps to make wise decisions. In addition to that, my determination to get the best deal serves us well, especially since I'm more comfortable rejecting offers and suggestions (that come with an extra charge).
We're moving in a few weeks so I've been doing more of that stuff recently like getting quotes for renter's insurance. Oddly enough, I feel empowered when I know about these things. It's like, I don't need a man to take care of me! Likewise, JW also learns my recipes and can replicate them rather well when I don't feel like cooking. I like how we're so mutually interdependent in our marriage. We know we'll survive without the other, and it just makes it more meaningful that we're choosing to be together instead of being unable to live without the other person. Besides, one of us is going to die first someday, so it's better to be well-rounded, aye? =P
Yeah, I don't believe in "finding someone you can't live without". The only Person who deserves that title is Jesus.
But don't get me wrong, I do love my spouse. I just don't need him. =P
1. Who should take care of paying the bills and filing taxes?
2. Who takes care of car maintenance?
3. Who does most of the grocery shopping and/or budgeting?
4. Who's in charge of banking, investments or deciding on insurance policies?
5. How should household chores be divided? 20/80? 50/50? Should they even be divided?
6. Who should drive when both spouses are in the car?
If you have a somewhat traditional idea of marriage, the wife generally monopolizes the kitchen and home duties while the husband works longer hours at work to provide for the family (i.e. is the main breadwinner). In my own family, there was a clear delineation of roles. My mum was in charge of the kitchen and my dad took care of everything else from banking to car maintenance to insurance policies. With the exception of household chores, their roles were so specialized that my mum didn't really know much about banking procedures and my dad couldn't cook very well from lack of practice. On one hand, specialization is efficient; on the other, it meant that both were dependent on each other to cover all the bases.
So I had this idea that when I grew up, I would naturally assume the roles that my mother had. I don't like dealing with paperwork very much either, so I expected my husband to take care of all those tedious things. And luckily for me, he did. Prior to my arrival in the States, JW had had experience "adulting" on his own so he knew what to do and who to call for everything. I could sit back and relax while he spent hours reading up on insurance policies or figuring out how to file taxes jointly, all the while never uttering a single word of complaint. =P
In the recent year, though, I've come to realize that I'm equally good at dealing with this part of life. It all started when I began a filing system for JW's chaotic document drawer. When I sorted through the documents, I read some of the policies and realized that they weren't that hard to understand. I also realized that with my ample spare time, I could be an asset by reading up on how to get the best deals, comparing prices and being aware of what our current policies covered. With a little bit of asking around, my friends also proved to be a source of valuable insight and recommendations which always helps to make wise decisions. In addition to that, my determination to get the best deal serves us well, especially since I'm more comfortable rejecting offers and suggestions (that come with an extra charge).
We're moving in a few weeks so I've been doing more of that stuff recently like getting quotes for renter's insurance. Oddly enough, I feel empowered when I know about these things. It's like, I don't need a man to take care of me! Likewise, JW also learns my recipes and can replicate them rather well when I don't feel like cooking. I like how we're so mutually interdependent in our marriage. We know we'll survive without the other, and it just makes it more meaningful that we're choosing to be together instead of being unable to live without the other person. Besides, one of us is going to die first someday, so it's better to be well-rounded, aye? =P
Yeah, I don't believe in "finding someone you can't live without". The only Person who deserves that title is Jesus.
But don't get me wrong, I do love my spouse. I just don't need him. =P
Very interesting point. I've pondered over this a lot, and John seems to favor keeping the specialization for efficiency. I am kind of torn in between the two, since I value both independence and efficiency. I wish John would learn to replicate my recipes XD but I somehow can't get him to do it. Tbf, I am losing touch with the techworld and how to fix computer/phone bugs since John is SO much faster and better at it. I suppose if one has the luxury of time to master all fronts, that would be the ideal situation.
ReplyDeleteI think right now JW and I have the luxury of time to learn from each other, but when both of us start working/have kids, there's no way we can master ALL fronts. Imo, fixing com bugs is not a 'survival skill' so you're probably fine. Also, if we could do everything ourselves, the economy would probably collapse. xD
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