Confused.

Lately I've been a confusing muddle of feelings, and not many of them positive.

It's just one month to the wedding, and I know you may think it's weird that I'm feeling this way. I should be walking on air, or at least excited that I'm entering a whole new phase of life, right? And there's going to be this pretty wedding that people are going to come for and celebrate with me and Jia Wern, so what's there to NOT be happy about?

I'll start from the beginning, and try not to confuse you as much as I am confused.

All my life, I haven't been a very social person. I can count the number of really close friends I have on one hand, and that includes Rene, who is technically a family member. My relationship with Jia Wern is something not many people are privy to, since we only started when he was over there, and I was still here. We have hardly any mutual friends, and practically none who know us well enough to make an excellent, balanced wedding speech. I can only wonder what inferences others make of us from appearances.

So why would people bother to come to our wedding? Why would you go to a random classmate's wedding if you weren't close to her, or knew her that well?

Would you even love her enough to be genuinely happy for her?

I don't even know how to be happy for people I barely know - I haven't met many matches I can say were made in heaven, and I usually don't feel over the moon just because a friend is happy. Maybe I'm this sad, cynical person, I don't know.

I don't even know what to make of congratulatory messages - I feel like "You never really knew me or cared  about my happiness, and now you're happy for me? Really?" or "You don't even know JW, how do you know he and I make a good match?" or "It's my wedding, makes sense if I'm excited, but why are YOU excited?"

Maybe I feel this way because I tend to overthink things, and I don't find it as easy to be happy for someone else (especially if I think I know better). Or maybe my happy feelings are only reserved for those who are really close to me, and I can't fathom an acquaintance feeling the same feelings without the same depth of meaning. If you get what I mean.

I guess I'm just feeling pretty friendless and wondering if people really are as positive as they sound about my wedding. Perhaps what our relationship lacks is a sense of community and mutual friendships. Whatever it is, I feel strange that a relationship like ours deserves to be celebrated in public, with people rooting for us and all.

Because really, how many of them know me? Know us?


Comments

  1. j@VeMay 12, 2014 at 8:11 AM

    Hi May. Wow, I've been thinking roughly the same things. It's pretty heavy stuff, this whole getting married affair. I cannot claim to say that I understand what you feel, because your question really hits the spot: do I really know you or Jia Wern?

    You know... you're getting married to him. That's the important point. People are being invited to witness it, and to celebrate together. Even if you do suspect perhaps half of the people in attending do not have the same depth of meaning in the overall significant picture of your relationship with Jia Wern... I just want to say: "An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by its own fullness, not by its reception."

    I, for one, believe in your love for him and his love for you, and for me that is reason enough to celebrate.

    ReplyDelete
  2. MayMay 12, 2014 at 7:31 PM

    Thanks, Jave, that's really encouraging. It's nice to know you believe in us. =)

    AND that's a really nice quote too. xD

    ReplyDelete

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