Baggage.
I've never understood the older generation's obsession with physical attributes.
If you're Asian, you probably remember growing up surrounded by relatives who commented on your body shape/appearance. That was also the case for me. I am short, and also happen to have large hips and a large butt. To add to my ever-growing list of physical shortcomings, I also had acne-prone skin as a teen which led to huge pores and tiny scars on my face, which I still bear up to this very day.
And year after year, at every family gathering, someone was bound to make a comment about one or all of those features. It wasn't just at every family gathering either. My own mother also constantly bewailed my huge hips and blamed my short genes on my grandmother on my dad's side.
Even as a child, I saw through the absurdity of it all. It made no sense to me to comment on something I could not change by sheer will or effort, and was absolutely amoral. If I had been failing at school and my relatives thought I could do better, then sure, go ahead and say something. After all, I could change my circumstances by studying harder, and being lazy is not a character trait you want to encourage.
But what's so wrong about looking a certain way? It's not my fault that I have a pear-shaped body. I can't will my butt to shrink or grow a few inches taller, and the way I look certainly has no bearing on my character. Except to make me a little bitter about how society judges people based on looks, perhaps. =P At the same time, suggest plastic surgery and everyone will turn doubly judgmental on you and tell you you're perfect just the way you are. I don't plan to, but I had a cousin who did, and a few relatives didn't have anything nice to say about that either.
I used to consider myself "above" these shallow issues and didn't realized how deeply it had affected me until I began dating. When JW told me that he found me cute, for the first time in my life, I felt like someone actually found me pretty. When I went to college and my peers complimented me on my features, I began to realize that I wasn't as plain as I had always considered myself to be. Which means that, prior to that, I'd subconsciously accepted that I was merely the sum of all these "flaws" when it came to looks. I wasn't insecure by any means, but I definitely prioritized my brain over my looks because I felt like I got less criticism when it came to that.
I still don't think I'm pretty pretty, but nowadays I feel better about the way I look and have accepted my big butt as an asset rather than a liability. I still roll my eyes inwardly when people try to convince me to use certain products for my face, and I still get defensive when relatives make comments due to all that repressed irritation from years and years of silently taking it. But I am now stronger in my resolve to ignore them, and I also have experiences that speak to the contrary. I'll probably need to exercise a fair bit of restraint in giving them a piece of my mind, too.
Based on my experience, I've resolved to take a more balanced approach to raising my own children. Like birth defects, I believe that it's unfair to comment on physical attributes determined by genes. If my child is on the obese side, I will definitely ration his/her food for health reasons. But if his/her teeth are crooked and he/she never grows taller than 4 feet, I think I have only myself and JW to blame for passing down those genes. My child won't take the blame for it and bear the repercussions of these comments.
If you're Asian, you probably remember growing up surrounded by relatives who commented on your body shape/appearance. That was also the case for me. I am short, and also happen to have large hips and a large butt. To add to my ever-growing list of physical shortcomings, I also had acne-prone skin as a teen which led to huge pores and tiny scars on my face, which I still bear up to this very day.
And year after year, at every family gathering, someone was bound to make a comment about one or all of those features. It wasn't just at every family gathering either. My own mother also constantly bewailed my huge hips and blamed my short genes on my grandmother on my dad's side.
Even as a child, I saw through the absurdity of it all. It made no sense to me to comment on something I could not change by sheer will or effort, and was absolutely amoral. If I had been failing at school and my relatives thought I could do better, then sure, go ahead and say something. After all, I could change my circumstances by studying harder, and being lazy is not a character trait you want to encourage.
But what's so wrong about looking a certain way? It's not my fault that I have a pear-shaped body. I can't will my butt to shrink or grow a few inches taller, and the way I look certainly has no bearing on my character. Except to make me a little bitter about how society judges people based on looks, perhaps. =P At the same time, suggest plastic surgery and everyone will turn doubly judgmental on you and tell you you're perfect just the way you are. I don't plan to, but I had a cousin who did, and a few relatives didn't have anything nice to say about that either.
I used to consider myself "above" these shallow issues and didn't realized how deeply it had affected me until I began dating. When JW told me that he found me cute, for the first time in my life, I felt like someone actually found me pretty. When I went to college and my peers complimented me on my features, I began to realize that I wasn't as plain as I had always considered myself to be. Which means that, prior to that, I'd subconsciously accepted that I was merely the sum of all these "flaws" when it came to looks. I wasn't insecure by any means, but I definitely prioritized my brain over my looks because I felt like I got less criticism when it came to that.
I still don't think I'm pretty pretty, but nowadays I feel better about the way I look and have accepted my big butt as an asset rather than a liability. I still roll my eyes inwardly when people try to convince me to use certain products for my face, and I still get defensive when relatives make comments due to all that repressed irritation from years and years of silently taking it. But I am now stronger in my resolve to ignore them, and I also have experiences that speak to the contrary. I'll probably need to exercise a fair bit of restraint in giving them a piece of my mind, too.
Based on my experience, I've resolved to take a more balanced approach to raising my own children. Like birth defects, I believe that it's unfair to comment on physical attributes determined by genes. If my child is on the obese side, I will definitely ration his/her food for health reasons. But if his/her teeth are crooked and he/she never grows taller than 4 feet, I think I have only myself and JW to blame for passing down those genes. My child won't take the blame for it and bear the repercussions of these comments.
Funny how you were criticized for being short when all my life I was criticized for being tall! There is no winning with our aunties/uncles (mostly aunties in my case). I think a lot of the negativity stems from their own childhood or insecurities, where they were once the victim of body shaming. And now that they're older, they "paid it forward" instead of cutting the bad habit.
ReplyDeleteI thank my parents for largely ignoring their comments...probably cuz they had some exposure to American culture. I mean being pear-shaped or curvy here is a good thing! Gotta enjoy it while it last I suppose. (Also not looking forward to my next Msia visit XD)
Huh, I never actually thought that they might have been victims of body-shaming themselves. That actually makes sense since they aren't by any means supermodel-like themselves.
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