Of teenage angst and a couple other thoughts
The other day, JW and I were talking about teenage angst, and I mentioned that I couldn't understand how teenagers felt like life was meaningless and dark and there were days they felt like they couldn't get up.
Like seriously, how hard can teenage life be?
I know it sounds insensitive of me to say so, but that was what I truly felt as a teenager. JW, however, said that I was the exception, not the rule. Apparently, he had gone through similar feelings and angst as a teen (that certainly explains his love for Avril Lavigne songs). That got us into a deep discussion about the roots of angst.
Now, this is by no means a verbatim summary of what was said. The gist of the discussion was that as a teen, there's the need to fit in, there are questions about your purpose and existence, not to mention hormonal changes which make you wonder if you're attractive to the opposite sex. We also dissected how and why I managed to sidestep all those pitfalls of angst.
And then I realized that I actually hadn't - I'd just delayed it.
I'd never felt the need to fit in until I came over the to the States. In the past two years, I guess you could say I experienced disequilibrium, from feeling insecure about the way I sounded to the way I dressed. I wouldn't say that was the prominent feature of my life for the past two years, but it was certainly THERE at the back of my head, always nagging, always reminding me that I was poor, had terrible fashion sense and couldn't ever look like those polished fashionistas who just happened to be part of my new peer group.
Sounds a lot like teenage angst to me, except that I'm 25 and no longer a teen.
Why was this so? There are a couple of plausible explanations:
1. As a teen, I never wanted to fit in.
Raised in a predominantly English-speaking family, I'd given up early on trying to fit in with my Chinese-speaking peers. I didn't watch the movies they watched or listened to the songs they listened to. I didn't like Chinese fashion trends that were more Ah Beng or Lala. Since I knew I couldn't fit in anyway, that definitely lessened the pressure to.
2. As a teen, I didn't get to make many choices about my appearance.
Growing up, my mum always had the final say about what we wore or how we looked. Looking back, I realize that this wasn't normal for many of my peers who got to make their own fashion choices from a very young age. Up to 16 years of age, my mum preferred to keep my hair short, so I sported a boy cut. I mostly went shopping with her, so my clothing choices were subject to her approval. Furthermore, I was always aware that the money I spent wasn't MY money - it was my parents' and I couldn't spend it however I liked. All this added together meant that I had fewer choices to make/obsess over/take responsibility for, hence less angst.
As you can see, with the power of independence and control over my own expenditure came the responsibility of making my own choices. If I still looked like a tramp, it would be entirely my own fault - no one else could take the blame. Also, I really prefer the fashion here - 80% devoid of weird cartoons/bling/tacky additions. The only caveat is that it's hard to get the sizes right since I'm considered a Petite size, and most clothes are fitted for broader shoulders.
It didn't help that my peer group just happens to comprise very well-dressed girls. =P
So in the blink of an eye, I had to start making choices. And being out of practice for the first 20 or so years of my life, I had to turn to online research to find out what would suit my body shape, skin colour and budget. Oftentimes, I would get a top or bottom that looked gorgeous, only to realize that I didn't have anything to match it with, thanks to my sorry wardrobe. Also, due to budget constraints, my shopping was (and is, still) restricted to the clearance racks/outlet stores, and these are places where Murphy's Law rings true: If the shoe fits, it's the wrong colour.
It's no wonder I felt (mildly) angsty for the first time in my life. So many choices, so many decisions, limited budget and there's also the pressure to get them right even though I'm sorely lacking in the department of good taste. And this time, I actually WANTED to fit in - most of my friends are smart, articulate, funny, speak English and they've read many books that I've read, too.
JW helpfully pointed out that I'm comparing myself to girls who have had years of fashion experience, who could afford a bigger budget on clothes, and who probably fall into the top 10% of society.
I guess I empathize more now with teens going through angst. =P
Like seriously, how hard can teenage life be?
I know it sounds insensitive of me to say so, but that was what I truly felt as a teenager. JW, however, said that I was the exception, not the rule. Apparently, he had gone through similar feelings and angst as a teen (that certainly explains his love for Avril Lavigne songs). That got us into a deep discussion about the roots of angst.
Now, this is by no means a verbatim summary of what was said. The gist of the discussion was that as a teen, there's the need to fit in, there are questions about your purpose and existence, not to mention hormonal changes which make you wonder if you're attractive to the opposite sex. We also dissected how and why I managed to sidestep all those pitfalls of angst.
And then I realized that I actually hadn't - I'd just delayed it.
I'd never felt the need to fit in until I came over the to the States. In the past two years, I guess you could say I experienced disequilibrium, from feeling insecure about the way I sounded to the way I dressed. I wouldn't say that was the prominent feature of my life for the past two years, but it was certainly THERE at the back of my head, always nagging, always reminding me that I was poor, had terrible fashion sense and couldn't ever look like those polished fashionistas who just happened to be part of my new peer group.
Sounds a lot like teenage angst to me, except that I'm 25 and no longer a teen.
Why was this so? There are a couple of plausible explanations:
1. As a teen, I never wanted to fit in.
Raised in a predominantly English-speaking family, I'd given up early on trying to fit in with my Chinese-speaking peers. I didn't watch the movies they watched or listened to the songs they listened to. I didn't like Chinese fashion trends that were more Ah Beng or Lala. Since I knew I couldn't fit in anyway, that definitely lessened the pressure to.
2. As a teen, I didn't get to make many choices about my appearance.
Growing up, my mum always had the final say about what we wore or how we looked. Looking back, I realize that this wasn't normal for many of my peers who got to make their own fashion choices from a very young age. Up to 16 years of age, my mum preferred to keep my hair short, so I sported a boy cut. I mostly went shopping with her, so my clothing choices were subject to her approval. Furthermore, I was always aware that the money I spent wasn't MY money - it was my parents' and I couldn't spend it however I liked. All this added together meant that I had fewer choices to make/obsess over/take responsibility for, hence less angst.
As you can see, with the power of independence and control over my own expenditure came the responsibility of making my own choices. If I still looked like a tramp, it would be entirely my own fault - no one else could take the blame. Also, I really prefer the fashion here - 80% devoid of weird cartoons/bling/tacky additions. The only caveat is that it's hard to get the sizes right since I'm considered a Petite size, and most clothes are fitted for broader shoulders.
It didn't help that my peer group just happens to comprise very well-dressed girls. =P
So in the blink of an eye, I had to start making choices. And being out of practice for the first 20 or so years of my life, I had to turn to online research to find out what would suit my body shape, skin colour and budget. Oftentimes, I would get a top or bottom that looked gorgeous, only to realize that I didn't have anything to match it with, thanks to my sorry wardrobe. Also, due to budget constraints, my shopping was (and is, still) restricted to the clearance racks/outlet stores, and these are places where Murphy's Law rings true: If the shoe fits, it's the wrong colour.
It's no wonder I felt (mildly) angsty for the first time in my life. So many choices, so many decisions, limited budget and there's also the pressure to get them right even though I'm sorely lacking in the department of good taste. And this time, I actually WANTED to fit in - most of my friends are smart, articulate, funny, speak English and they've read many books that I've read, too.
JW helpfully pointed out that I'm comparing myself to girls who have had years of fashion experience, who could afford a bigger budget on clothes, and who probably fall into the top 10% of society.
I guess I empathize more now with teens going through angst. =P
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